Have you ever seen steer wrestling? Landing an agent is kinda like that. Only it’s more like moose wrestling from the skids of a helicopter.
Terrifying, yes. Maybe even stupid. But it is possible to rope, wrestle and hog-tie an agent even if you aren’t the secret baby of a millionaire sheik cowboy.
1. Know your prey. While most moose look a lot alike, agents are surprisingly different if you can sneak up close enough to examine them. If you want a moose, don’t think you’ll be happy with an elk or whitetail. Or, God forbid, a jackalope.
Speaking of God and prey, it doesn’t hurt to just pray to the universal creative force of your choosing.
2. Carefully consider your bait. While moose urine and camo bikinis are all the rage in some circles (it’d be fab on you, darling, just fab) when hunting an agent, you should research her habits and hunting grounds. Agents like to eat, so baiting them with unmarketable storylines and unpalatable characters can be problematic. Instead, consider offering them just a few tempting morsels… at least until you have them hooked.
3. How big a hook? This is the time to bring out your big guns. Longline fishermen put out lots of hooks, hoping to make that catch. Dangling contest wins, or a special knowledge of your topic, even the big juicy worm of a real-life editor on the line, can catch a wary agent’s wandering eye. Still, agents are wily and may nibble all your hopes down to the nub, which is why you should always have another line out with another hook and a fresh new story still dripping your blood, sweat and tears.
Admittedly, this isn’t a sport for the queasy — or for any card-carrying member of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Agents). When you grab this bull by the horns, you’ll have to be ready to wrestle ‘er down for the count. And if she slips out of your reach… no worries, there’s always next season. Plus, I hear there’s a cute new elephant stun gun coming out in NYC basic black.