Post bond now for my future memories

Posted By: Jessa Slade
Currently Working On: Editing out “snorted”s in SEDUCED BY SHADOWS
Mood: Horrified by sheer number of “snorted”s

I have no conference memories since I missed San Fran. Yeah, I’m bitter about it. In order to move on, I’m plotting… uh, planning how I’m going to get to D.C. next year. This is exceedingly important to me because I will be eligible for a First Sale ribbon. I plan on stapling it to my chest. Possibly forever.

But first I need to get to D.C.

Here’s what I figure I need to do to amass the approx. $1,000 needed for registration, airfare, hotel and foo-foo drinks in the hotel bar for my editor and agent, CPs and random conference attendees, any passing male romance cover models, and myself.

In retrospect, let’s make that $1,200.

I found a local medical research company. If I could qualify, it would still take three different studies, one for $700 and a couple for $200. And I might have to fake symptoms for the first one. Is my First Sale ribbon worth skewing years of important data that could cure someone’s fatal disease or at least reduce the appearance of zits? Okay, let’s check the next option before I reveal things about my personality that I’m not too proud of.

Still in a “give my left lung” frame of mind, I also discovered that I could sell my blood plasma. However, I’ve traveled to China where malaria or hepatatis or something is an issue, so my innards may be worthless. Still, my sweetie and my dog are willing to help. (They don’t know they’re willing to help, but I have a supply of beading needles that should do the trick.) If I start now and drain my CPs too (it’s not like I don’t do that anyway)… Hey, where’s everybody going?

Fine. What else? Sell my books to Powells? Never! Give up my monthly bucket o’ cookie dough? Impossible! How important is electrical service to the house? I suppose I need to run my computer, so that’s out.

Crack ATM… Too illegal.
Start pyramid scheme… Too math-like.
Invade Pipelineistan, set self up as petty dictator, corruptly funnel kick-backs to conference kitty… Been done.
Get real job… Shuh, right.

It’s looking like maybe the cover models will have to buy us drinks. But as God is my witness (clench hand dramatically here) I will be in D.C. next year. Too bad I don’t have green velvet curtains; I’m gonna look right peculiar in a ball gown of polyester sheers. Ah well, the First Sale ribbon is big enough to cover anything that could get me arrested, yes?

Hmm, this has the makings for next year’s best conference moment blog.

Please be sure to post here with all your big cash opportunities not directly associated with lonesome Nigerian bankers or Friday-night streetwalking on Sandy & NE 82nd. See you at the bar in D.C.!


Comments

Post bond now for my future memories — 13 Comments

  1. Oh, Jessa, I loved this blog!

    Though I think you might be putting too many parameters on money-making schemes to score really big. Um, by the way, have you considered lottery tickets? You could stand in a lightning storm until you attracted just a teensy bit of electricity–not enough to do any real damage–and that might increase your chances of winning the jackpot.

    On the other hand, I could add to your conference kitty by donating…um, twenty-three cents. You only need another 5200+ people to donate that amount and you’re on your way!

    So start sewing those sheers together for a ball gown, maybe one with a plunging neckline to show off your–get your minds out of the gutter, people–FIRST SALE RIBBON.

    Thanks for a morning chuckle!

  2. Oh I’m totally planning on winning the lottery. After I sent my complete to NAL after last year’s Golden Rose (blatant GR plug), when I went to work I’d tell my dog, “Be a good dog. Don’t eat the couch. Think good thoughts to New York.” And I got a contract! So now I tell her, “Be a good dog. Don’t worry about the couch. Think of those winning lottery numbers.” So pretty much any minute now I’m quitting my day job.

  3. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
    Oh. My. God. GIRL, you are funneeee!!! I’ve never laughed so hard while reading a post. Thank goodness I wasn’t drinking or eating anything or I would have ended up in ER and then I would have sued you and then you REALLY would have been financially strapped, LOL. Okay. So how about this? I give you the first $20 toward your conference. That should cover at least 2 cover model drinks. But I have to be able to tag along. 😀
    Delilah

  4. Miss Marvelle, you bring your $20 to the bar after your first RWA national book signing (sweeet!) and we’ll dance on the tables. I figure we can get at least a few dollar bills tucked into our conference badge strings. Shake that book thong, baby!

  5. Yes, the heroine is a romance writer so desperate to get to conference she takes an early morning paper route and is tragically run down by a Hostess snack cake delivery truck.

    The hero is a sexy med student, struggling angstily with his Hippocratic oath & his secret vampire nature while working as a janitor in the surgical suites…

    Wait, why does every issue become the makings for a romance novel? We’re obviously troubled.

  6. Jessica! You are so funny. Makes me more anxious to read your debut book 🙂

    Maybe you could sell your shoes on eBay,(do you have a lot of them? Mine are all in the middle of the floor in my bedroom. Wouldn’t recommend that. It’s dangerous to healthy limbs) and clean out your floor…er closet at the same time? It might not bring much, but every penny helps, right?

  7. Yeah, Jessa. You’re going to DC and I”ll go too so I can admire your ribbon.

    To raise money, you could sublet your house and live out of a box under a bridge. You’d have a roof and four walls and with the help of a really long extension cord you could even fuel your computer. (Or you could bring your box to my back yard and save money on that extension cord: a ten footer would do.) Since every other part of a house is just a bunch of work that steals your writing time, you make money to go to DC and have more time to write.

  8. Funny, funny, funny! Actually, while traveling to Salem to see my parents today I heard a report on NPR about people who consistently volunteer for medical experiments. They call themselves “human guinea pigs.” One guy even wrote a book about it. Could pay well, but he did say some of it was kind of painful and definitely stay away from the psychoactive drug trials. 🙂

    Count on going with one or more roommates, then beg people who travel alot for their frequent flyer miles and you may be able to do it on a shoe string. I’m counting on you being there!

  9. Oh, my gosh! Jessa, you are too funny! Thanks for the laugh, I needed it!!

    Definitely looking forward to seeing your ‘First Sale’ ribbon in DC, so dig out that closet, give up some plasma, rent out your uterus! Maybe you could hitchhike across the US-then you would REALLY have some tall tales to tell!

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